Like wearing pajama pants to Costco, minivans, whatever their utility, broadcast a message to those around you: shame doesn’t live here. It’s an emphatic statement delivered with the strain of someone out of breath from climbing a flight of stairs. An exclamation mark at the end of a hastily-scribbled sentence.
Still, minivans serve a purpose. Whether you had too many kids or you want to be prepared should you decide to abduct someone, it can meet the needs only met by, oh, I dunno, a station wagon. Or adoption.
It makes sense that some brands would deal in this segment. Hyundai/Kia’s plan to be the brand-for-life* of families makes for a good fit. So, too, does the Grand Caravan/Town & Country. Is there any other company whose buyers better fit the aesthetic of a minivan?
Even the Toyota Sienna is excusable (relative to the segment, of course.) It’s a chance to cash in on those without the pride to suck it up in a car, but still self-aware to not drive a Chrysler product.
The Lexus LM, on the other hand, is beneath contempt. Sure, the company is already struggling with styling, but are things really so bad that the Nagoya-based brand thought this was actually worth building?
Looking like the helmet that a toddler Darth Vader would wear had he been at risk of concussion, it’s an egregious transformation (deformation?) of the Sienna, trading their faux-aggressive grill for the most ill-advised application of Lexus’ already questionable front-end.
Imagine a gamma-irradiated handheld vacuum, but way less interesting. It’s like they’re actively trying to punish buyers while still taking their money. A reluctant seller in contempt of its own wares.
Ugh.
Wondering about engine size, fuel economy, or any other stats? Get outta here. Go apologize to your parents, you utter psychopath.
Still, the LM does feature one note of interest. Between the front seats and the second row is a full partition, including 26″ screen. Ostensibly it’s about offering up an Executive Experience to those chauffered around. Truth is, it’s actually a safety requirement to protect the driver from being repeatedly battered around the head by those embarrassed to be riding in the back.
* “Here for an oil change? Why not pay an extra $10 on your lease and leave with a brand new vehicle?”